A WARNING REGARDING THE HOLIDAYS 🎄.

There’s been a perfect storm brewing for quite some time… but it’s not in the air; not the kind of storm that snows us in or freezes our windshields. Instead, it’s a storm of familial and relational proportions. For years, we’ve seen videos online- spoofing the “nosy aunties” who ask about your dating life or the ones that hint at tolerating ignorant grandpas. Slowly, we’ve seen a new trend of going “no contact” with parents and family members.

Often times, this is because the family member is triggering- perhaps they have differing political or ideological views. Perhaps the family member refuses to acknowledge past harms and emotional injuries. Sometimes they’re rude. Sometime’s they ask intrusive questions. Statistically, liberal women and men are more likely to go “no contact” with their family members than the other way around. Either way, family estrangement is on the rise.

I’ve seen it in my own extended family members. It’s painful. As my generation starts to grow, get married, and have kids, there are lots of new fractures or festering resentments. Geographically, families are spread apart at rates unlike our grandparents. Sunday dinners, communal church going, and constant gatherings are a thing of the past for many of us. Also, as generations evolve into more individualistic societies and gather language for their trauma, rifts emerge more and more.

I’ve been thinking about this new, estrangement trend a lot- and when I say “a lot” I mean… thinking about this for the past year and having discussions around it. The article I linked above- opening up with the detailing of a young woman named Amy- spoke to theological differences first. In fact, when I hear these stories or even watch television and film, there are common depictions of people departing from their faith and expressing their displeasure with family members. As a person who believes- not just IN Jesus, but believes that I am destined to follow his teachings and commune with him- I am grieved. I plan to write more about this trend in the future, but first, I’d like to extend a warning to my fellow believers ahead of the holiday season.

Family- for all of its beauty and challenges- is a GOD idea. For us (believers), the holidays are an opportunity to reflect on the goodness of God and the birth of Jesus. We are to reflect on the life of Jesus and what mattered to him. Jesus desires that we love our neighbor as ourselves. This is a time to prioritize love that’s rooted in humility, curiosity, compassion and truth. I know there are temptations to force-feed God’s word to family members that we only see so often, but I’d ask you to reflect on the methodology of Jesus. How did he interact with people and who received the greater measure of his grace and tenderness? By no means am I asking you to withhold the gospel or your convictions. The word says that the gospel, by nature, is offensive. Yet, no one can fully receive the gift of salvation without a true encounter with Jesus Christ.

Even if the tensions are NOT surrounding theology, we have an opportunity to embrace the value of family. How can we hold space for people who think differently than us? While it may be easy to label family members with disorders and diagnosis… how can we develop a sense of fortitude, leading with curiosity instead of condemnation? To be clear, in the case of abusive systems and dynamics… that is never okay. I’d suggest the help of professionals. But if silos are occurring within a family structure, there are usually opportunities to not only find common ground, but model imperfect resolution. These things take time.

We have an adversary who pre-planted landmines and seeds of offense ahead of this holiday system. People are coming to the dinner in defense, on edge, and shameful (or perhaps, shameless). Emotions and tensions can be high and the enemy wants nothing more than to tear families apart and harden hearts. Be prayerful and discerning. Interrogate your own intentions in private time with the Lord. Is there any pride or self-righteousness brewing in the chambers of your heart? We try to walk in humility and a confidence rooted in Christ. I am reminded of the scripture 1 Corinthians 3:7-8, “So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.” We are not in charge of others’ salvation. Only God can do that. We are here to love well, speak truth, and get out of his way. I pray that this time with your families is filled with love, joy, and the goodness of the Lord. I pray your bellies be full, you get to laugh and dance. Save me a plate.

Happy Holidays Family.